There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
