Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
