Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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