I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
