Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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