I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
