I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
