mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
false alarm, still single
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