And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
