I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
