The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I still have a little drunk in my system
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
