is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
