Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
