So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
