If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
