In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
