Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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