Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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