I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
