i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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