The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
