I hate your face
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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