oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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