My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
