Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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