I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
