They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
