1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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