Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
