Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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