Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
