I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
