I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
