I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm getting married
To pizza
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
