My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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