No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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