my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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