I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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