my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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