Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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