Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
