He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
