if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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