I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
