The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Who wears a wallet chain?!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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