apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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