There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
