I think i sorta joined a cult last night
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
