what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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