I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
