i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
